By Dennis Miller

Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things.

If man evolved from apes, why do we still have apes?

Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where I could find the self-help section.  She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.

If a mute kid swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If a man stands in the middle of the forest speaking, and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is it considered a hostage situation?

Is there another word for synonym?

Isn't it scary that doctors call what they do "practice?"

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If a mime is arrested, do they tell him he has the right to talk?

Why do they put Braille on the drive through bank machines?

Why do they use sterilized needles for lethal injections?

Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Is it true that cannibals won't eat clowns because they taste funny?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?