Family Style

The Funeral Procession

One fall day, Joe was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by.  Following the first hearse was a second hearse, which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in a single file.  Intrigued, Joe went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse.

"My wife," the man replied.

"I'm sorry," said Joe.   "What happened to her?"

"My dog bit her and she died."  

Joe then asked who was in the second hearse.

The man replied, "My mother-in-law.   My dog bit her and she died as well."

Joe asked, "Can I borrow your dog?"

"Get in line," replied the man.  

Mom Knows Best

John invited his mother over for dinner.   During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate Julie was.  She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and is roommate, and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye.  Reading  his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I can't find my beautiful silver gravy ladle.  You don't suppose she took it, do you?"  John replied, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."

So John wrote, "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take it and I'm not saying you 'did not' take it, but the fact remains that we have been missing a gravy ladle ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, John received the following response, "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie.  But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.  Love, Mom."

Redneck Family Tree

Many, many years ago when I was twenty-three

I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be.

This widow had a grown-up daughter who had hair of red

And my father fell in love with her, and soon the two were wed.

This made my dad my son-in-law and changed my very life,

My daughter was my mother, for she was my father's wife.

To complicate the matters worse, although it brought me joy,

I soon became the father of a bouncing baby boy.

My little baby then became a brother-in-law to dad,

And so became my uncle, though it made me very sad.

For if he was my uncle, then that also made him my brother

To the widow's grown-up daughter who, of course, was my step-mother.

Father's wife then had a son, who kept them on the run,

And he became my grandson, for he was my daughter's son.

My wife is now my mother's mother and it makes me blue,

Because although she is my wife, she is my grandma too.

So if my wife's my grandmother, then I am her grandchild,

Every time I think of it, it just drives me wild.

For now I have become the strangest case you ever saw,

As the husband of my grandmother, I am my own grandpa!